Why Most People Don't Really Want To Change (Day 21)

“People don’t really want to change. They want relief.”

When I first heard Anthony De Mello say that, it sounded profound, but I didn’t want to believe it. It wasn’t until I started seeing the pattern in myself and people I worked with that it truly landed. Most people don’t want to change. They want the pain to go away. They want the discomfort to stop. They want better outcomes, better emotions, better circumstances.

But to actually change? No, no. That would require discomfort. And that’s the part we tend to avoid

We Want Relief, Not Transformation

I’ve seen this play out over and over in my own life.

I’ll get frustrated with a pattern — feeling unmotivated, procrastinating, falling into distraction loops — and I’ll think: “This needs to change.”

But what I often really want in those moments isn’t change. I just want the discomfort to pass. I want the feeling to go away, not to actually go through the uncomfortable work of facing what’s behind it.

Even the things we chase — success, health, better relationships — they’re often pursued for the short-term emotional payoff. We want to feel better, not necessarily become different.

It’s easy to think we’re seeking growth, when what we’re really seeking is relief.

And I think that’s what De Mello was pointing at. We don’t really want to transform. We want to escape the discomfort of being who we are right now. That’s a very different thing.

Why Change Feels So Hard

Change sounds great in theory, until it asks something of you.

And often, it asks for more than you’re ready to give.

Not just waking up earlier, or journaling more consistently, or eating fewer takeaways. Real change often requires you to look at the identity you’ve built and admit it might no longer serve you.

That’s not easy.

It means seeing where you’ve been falling short. Not just in your habits, but in your character. In how you show up in the world. In how you treat people. In how you treat yourself.

To change, you have to admit that the story you’ve been telling yourself — about who you are, what you’re capable of, what’s possible for you — might be false. And you have to let go of it.

That’s scary. We get attached to our narrative. Even when it’s limiting. Even when it’s painful. Because it’s familiar.

Then there are the comforts — the small pleasures we’ve come to rely on. The mindless scrolling at night. The extra drink at dinner. The excuses we keep making. They become part of the pattern.

And changing them feels like giving up a piece of who we are.

When People Actually Change

Looking back at my own life, and from working with others, I’ve noticed change tends to happen in just a few ways:

1. Rock Bottom Moments

These are moments where you finally say, “I can’t keep doing this.” You’re so done with the old way that there’s no turning back. It could be a doctor telling you your health is in a really bad way or going completely broke and being unable to pay your rent.

These are incredibly painful, but they can often lead to a turning point as you are forced to confront what you have been avoiding.

2. Insight Moments.

Sometimes a single moment of clarity hits you so hard that everything changes. Like when I realised how much of my identity was tied up in performance — in needing to win, to succeed, to prove something.

Seeing that clearly for the first time was like turning on a light. I couldn’t unsee it. I had to do something about it.

3. Strong Desire.

Other times, it’s the pull of something better. A compelling vision of who you could be and what your life could look like. This is where personal growth often starts — a New Year’s resolution, a new goal, a hunger for more.

But this kind of motivation is fragile. Unless you keep feeding it, the old patterns creep back in. You have to recommit almost daily.

What It Actually Takes

This is the part people don’t talk about enough:

Change hurts.

Not because you’re broken, but because you’re growing. And growth always involves some form of letting go.

• Letting go of how you see yourself.

• Letting go of how others see you.

• Letting go of your excuses.

Non of this is easy.

You need self-awareness to even notice the patterns you’re stuck in.

You need accountability to own them.

You need courage to confront your weaknesses .

And above all, you need the willingness to commit to change day after day.

Real change means stepping into unfamiliar ground. Often without the validation or support you secretly wish would show up. You have to be willing to walk through that on your own, at least at first.

I see this with people trying to lose weight. It's not the meal plan that’s hard — it’s the identity shift. No longer being the person who reaches for comfort food when stressed. That’s emotional rewiring.

Same with career changes. I’ve coached poker players who knew it was time to move on, but kept clinging — not because they still loved the game, but because it was who they were. Letting go meant facing the uncertainty of who they’d be without it.

The Truth I Keep Coming Back To

Whether you’re trying to quit drinking, start a business, communicate better in your relationships, or become someone you're proud of…

It all comes down to the same truth:

You have to let go of what is familiar in order to become someone new.

And you have to do it not once, but over and over again.

Because the old self doesn’t disappear after one good week. It lingers, waiting for your discipline to fade.

Most people don’t want to change.

They want change to happen to them.

They want to wake up feeling different, without having to be different.

But that’s not how it works.

Real change is a choice.

A painful, freeing, empowering choice.

Made again and again.

Adam