Why Fear Holds You Back (and How to Break Free)

What if the only thing between you and your goals… was fear?

I’ve been thinking a lot recently about how much fear holds us back, how it impacts all of our decisions, and how it quietly has us playing life small.

When I say fear, I don't just mean the intense, sweaty-palm, heart racing kind of fear. It is often more subtle than that. It hides behind reasonable sounding excuses and perfectly logical plans.

If you ask someone who isn't progressing towards their goals, "what are you afraid of?", they’ll often say they aren't afraid of anything.

Then they’ll tell you all the things that are in their way, how they’re just waiting for the right time — that they need more experience, more money, or more resources before they can really put their all into it.

But beneath those explanations is often something else:

• Fear of failure — What if I try and it doesn’t work?

• Fear of rejection — What if peope don’t like me, my work, or my ideas?

• Fear of embarrassment — What if I look stupid?

• Fear of loss — What if I give up what I have and regret it?

Fear rarely shows up waving its arms and shouting “don’t do this.” It’s smarter than that. It disguises itself as caution, patience, or “being realistic.” It convinces us it's best to wait, to delay or to avoid.

And the longer we listen to it, the more it shapes the life we live.

Not because we’ve made a conscious decision to stay where we are, but because fear has been quietly steering the wheel without us even noticing.

Reflecting on this made me curious…

Why does fear have such a strong hold on us?

Where does it come from?

And most importantly, how do we move past it without letting it run our lives?

To answer these questions, we need to go back to where fear began, and follow its trail into the way we live today.

Because once we understand fear, and see it for what it really is, we can stop mistaking it for logic, and start living the life we actually want.

The Evolutionary Lens of Fear

Long before we were chasing careers, building businesses, or posting our lives online, fear had one job: keep us alive.

For 99% of human history, survival wasn’t a metaphor, it was the daily mission. If you failed to notice the snake in the grass or the shadow moving in the trees, you didn’t get a second chance. Dangerous predators and rival tribes who wanted your resources, were constant threats. Our ancestors who were quick to feel fear lived long enough to pass on their genes. Those who felt less fear, would have been easy prey.

Fear became hardwired into us as a survival first mechanism, not a truth first one.

Fear is not a flaw in the system, it is the system.

Your brain’s threat detector, the amygdala, is always scanning for anything that might harm you. It doesn’t wait for a detailed analysis. The moment it senses a potential threat, it hits the alarm. Adrenaline surges. Heart rate rises. Breathing quickens. Muscles tense. Cortisol steps in to keep you on high alert for as long as the danger lasts.

This was perfect design 200,000 years ago.

It was better to overreact and run from something harmless than to under react and get killed. That’s why even today, our brains are wired to scan for danger before opportunity.

This wiring shaped more than our reflexes, it shaped our behaviour.

• We learned to avoid risk unless the reward was essential.

• We became hyper-attuned to social disapproval, because being rejected by the tribe could mean death.

• We valued safety over exploration, because the unknown was often dangerous.

In a world of predators, scarcity, and constant threats, fear was our most loyal bodyguard. It kept us cautious. It kept us alive. And in that environment, it made perfect sense.

The problem? We no longer live in that world, but our genes and nervous system do.

Why This Ancient Wiring Fails in Modern Life

The same fear response that once saved our lives now often works against us.

In the modern world, most of the “threats” we face aren’t lions or rival tribes — they’re social, emotional, and psychological. Yet our bodies can’t tell the difference.

When you’re about to pitch your idea in a meeting, post something vulnerable online, or walk into a room full of strangers, your brain reacts like you’re stepping into the wilderness unarmed. Your heart races. Your palms sweat. Your mind starts scanning for escape routes.

Why? Because to your ancient wiring, rejection by your peers still feels like a life-or-death risk. Losing a job still triggers the same scarcity alarm bells that once meant “no food.” Failing at something important still sparks the primal fear of being left behind.

This mismatch between our environment and our biology creates a constant low-level tension.

Instead of fear protecting us from real danger, it now protects us from discomfort, uncertainty, and change. And in doing so, it quietly keeps us stuck.

The irony is that most of the things fear stops us from doing are the very things that would improve our lives: starting the business, having the difficult conversation, taking the leap toward a bigger vision.

It often feels like we’re running modern software on ancient hardware.

And unless we learn how to work with it, fear will keep steering us away from the things we need to grow.

How Fear Shapes Behaviour Without Us Realising

For years in poker, I stayed at the same stakes long after I’d outgrown them.

I told myself it was smart bankroll management. In reality, it was fear — fear of losing what I’d built, fear of not being good enough, fear of exposing my weaknesses at the next level. I thought I was being sensible, when really I was using a fear of failure to justify playing small.

Fear is tricky like this and it has many different disguises.

Sometimes it looks like procrastination. You tell yourself you’ll start tomorrow, once you’ve “done a bit more research” or “gotten things more organised.” But underneath the tidy justification is the fear of not being ready, of failing in public, of proving you’re not as capable as you hope.

Sometimes it looks like over-planning. You spend weeks mapping out the perfect strategy, tweaking it until it feels bulletproof. Deep down, it’s fear avoiding the moment where the plan meets reality — where you might be judged, rejected, or exposed.

And sometimes it looks like playing small. You stay in the role you’ve outgrown, work on projects you could do in your sleep, and turn down opportunities because “now isn’t the right time.” But often, the real reason is that stepping up would mean stepping into the unknown.

Fear rarely says, “don’t do this.” Instead, it says:

• “Maybe later.”

• “Play it safe.”

• “Let’s not take any unnecessary risks.”

And because those thoughts feel reasonable, we nod along. We tell ourselves it’s patience or preparation, when really it’s self-protection. The result? Year after year, we repeat the same loops, wondering why nothing changes.

We don't realise that beneath the surface is a fear that is driving our decisions.

My Relationship With Fear

From the outside, I can appear quite fearless. I've always been someone who goes after what I want in life. I took a one-way flight to Thailand at 23 and followed my own path as a professional poker player. I’ve taken risks, made unconventional choices, and built a life that, on paper, looks bold.

But fear still has a grip on me. It just wears a subtler mask.

It convinces me I’m not ready yet, that I need to prepare more, or “earn” my right to share what I really want to say.

It tells me to fit in, be one of the group, rather than trying to stand out.

It makes me want to play life small, protect what I have instead of taking risks.

It tells me to focus on the “practical” things, like making more money in my business, rather than sharing something deeply personal with strangers on the internet.

It nudges me to delay my real dreams for a future version of me, one who is somehow more qualified, more credible, more ready.

And while fear rarely stops me outright, it still slows me down.

It keeps me circling the runway, waiting for perfect conditions before I take off.

Practical Ways to Loosen Its Grip

If our problem with fear is modern software running on ancient hardware…

Then the solution isn’t to delete it, it’s to learn how to work with it.

You can’t uninstall fear. You can’t meditate it away completely. And you probably wouldn’t want to, because the same system that stops you from walking into traffic also alerts you when something really matters.

The goal isn’t to become fearless: It's to recognise when fear is a useful signal, and when it’s just outdated programming holding you back.

Here are a few practical ways I've found to loosen fear’s grip:

1. Name it

Fear thrives in vagueness. When you feel resistance, stop and ask: What exactly am I afraid of? Fear of looking foolish? Of losing money? Of wasting time?

When I left poker to focus on coaching, I realised my fear wasn’t of failing at business — it was of nobody caring about what I had to say, of “not being good enough”. Naming that made it easier to deal with.

2. Challenge the story

Your brain is a master storyteller, and fear loves a good worst-case scenario. Counter this by zooming out: Will this matter in a year? Will it kill me? Will I recover if it goes wrong? Nine times out of ten, the rational answer is yes, you’ll be fine. Fear hates this kind of perspective.

When I first started my personal YouTube channel, my mind painted a vivid picture of trolls, criticism, and wasted effort. When I realised none of this would kill me, I was ready to take the next step.

3. Start small

Big moves trigger big alarms. Break the scary action into the smallest possible step .

Back in 2017, when I decided I wanted to start posting online, I was scared of how it would be received. I also didn't really know what I wanted to talk about. So I created a small Facebook group with around 20 of my closest friends and posted in there daily. This felt safe, fear didn’t have much to latch onto and I was soon ready to start my Youtube channel.

4. Change your state

Fear is as much in the body as it is in the mind. Don't let fear paralyse you from taking action

On days where fear stalls me, I hit the gym or go for a brisk walk. It’s amazing how quickly shifting your physiology can interrupt the fear loop and bring your rational brain back online.

5. Move with the fear.

Most people wait for fear to disappear before they take action. That day never comes. Fear fades because you act, not before you act. Instead of waiting to feel ready, treat fear as a sign you’re moving toward something that matters.

I still get this feeling often, before I click publish on a new blog or post a new Youtube video. My mind tries to convince me that it's not ready. Yet every time I move with fear, I teach my brain: I can handle this. And the next time, it gets easier.

Fear is something you are going to have to live with your whole life.

But once you understand it, name it, and challenge it, it stops being the quiet driver of your life.

You might still feel the pull to wait, to delay, to avoid — but you’ll know that’s not logic talking.

That’s just your ancient fear response that was build for a world you no longer live in.

You're safe.

And you can move towards your goals right now.

Adam