The Search For Meaning

What really matters in life?

Nothing? Everything?

Being happy?

Being successful?

Being healthy?

Being loved?

It's a confusing game we have been signed up for from birth, with no rule book or guidelines.

On many levels, we are genetically programmed to want to survive and pass on our genes to the next generation.

But is that all we are here for?

To survive and reproduce?

Surely there has to be something more.

The search for meaning in life is one of the greatest challenges we experience.

Those who find meaning and purpose are life's big winners.

The ones who don't, are left wondering what they are missing and if there's any real point to this.

So how do we find purpose and meaning in our lives if we don't have it?

And where are the most common places people find it?

Where Meaning Usually Comes From

It feels to me like there are three main places people find meaning.

• Work - they enjoy what they do and feel like they are making a difference

• Relationships - they feel deep connections to those around them, their partner, kids, family, and friends

• Something greater - they feel a connection to something bigger than themselves, whether that’s God, the universe, or life itself.

If you have a strong sense of meaning in just one of these areas, that is often enough.

Let's say you love what you do for work and you feel like you are contributing in a positive way. You probably wouldn't say that you lack meaning in your life, even if your relationships weren't very strong.

Or take a mother who is putting her all in to raising her children. She doesn't also need a purposeful career to have a strong sense of meaning in her life.

Finally, the religious person who feels a constant connection to their God, will likely have a strong sense of meaning regardless of how the other areas of their life are going.

When we say we lack meaning or purpose in our lives, all three areas feel void.

This leads us to think about what is missing and in which area we need to find our purpose.

When Meaning Disappears

For me, this reflection almost always pulls me toward the work side of purpose.

Am I spending my time in the right way?

Should I be doing something different?

Could I be having a greater impact if I changed direction?

At the start of last year I was wrestling with these questions, and getting nowhere.

It felt like no matter what I did with me time, it was on many levels, meaningless. I don't say that to be overly dramatic, but it was the realisation that any work project I thought of getting into, ultimately didn't feel exciting or purposeful to me.

I really felt like I was missing something bigger, yet I couldn't put my finger on what.

That uncertainty sent me into a dark spiral. For months, I wondered if I was losing it.

Why did everything feel so heavy?

Was I depressed?

Was I having a mid-life crisis?

I really didn't know what to make of it.

All I knew for certain was that my life was lacking meaning and purpose.

It was missing a "theme" of what I should be doing at this stage of my life.

And nobody was going to be able to give me the answers.

I'm normally very good of getting myself out of a negative headspace. I am a mindset coach and all that. But this time something felt different.

It was like I was being challenged to stop distracting myself and to go deeper.

What I Actually Found

So I did exactly that.

I put the brakes on everything. I cancelled all of my work projects, completely cleared my schedule and signed up for a 10-day Vipassana silent retreat in Bali.

Within a few hours of being there, my expectations were shattered. I thought I would have lots of time to reflect and think through my big life choices. Yet that's not what Vipassana is about. Instead, you have to sit and meditate for hours every day, in excruciating pain from sitting cross legged, and observe sensations in your body. It was hardest 10 days of my life.

I kept waiting for the big insight to arrive. For that voice in my head to clearing say, "Adam this is what you should be doing with your life…".

Yet it never came. At least not like that. I also held onto the hope that I might discover a connection to something beyond myself, a higher force, whatever you want to call it. Again I was left disappointed.

What did keep coming up was something much simpler.

Relationships.

Firstly, my relationship to myself. To feel connection to my body and experiencing life fully through it, instead of always being lost in my mind. I realised I'm my happiest, I feel most alive, when I'm in my body and not in my mind. That might sound a bit strange, but for me I have a tendency to spend too much time engaging with my mind at the cost of experiencing the moment that I'm in. As a result, I miss the moment. Or at least the richness of it.

Secondly, my place in the world seemed to be strongly influenced by the relationships I have with those closest to me. I reflected a lot on how people saw me, how I had been showing up in life and to be honest, feeling a bit of shame around it. I felt like I hadn't been the best friend, best partner or best version of myself to those I value most. I was too busy chasing shinny objects and trying to have a bigger impact with my life, whilst neglecting the relationships which are infinitely more important.

I also realised that the times in my life when I was the most happy, was when I felt strong social connections.

Not when I was most successful or when I had achieved a big goal. But when I felt seen and connected by those closest to me.

What Really Matters (For Me, At Least)

So where does this leave me now?

And where does this leave you as the reader, who is maybe on your own search for meaning right now?

I wish I could wrap this up neatly and give you a clear set of action steps.

I can’t. I’m not there yet.

What I have discovered is this.

Meaning seems to come from connection and contribution.

Connection, for me, is my relationship with myself and with those closest to me.

Contribution is making a difference for others, offering something beyond myself.

When I feel like I’m lacking meaning, one or both of these is usually missing.

I feel a bit of that right now, if I’m honest. Which is probably why I’m writing this.

Rather than trying to figure everything out or find my purpose, I’m finding it more grounding to ask simpler questions.

Where can I deepen connection?

Where can I contribute more?

That feels like enough for now.

If you’re lacking meaning in your life, that might be a good place to start too.

Adam