The Real Reason You Struggle to Change (Even When You’re Desperate To)

Wanting to change while watching yourself repeat the same patterns is a special kind of hell.

You’ve made the decision to change — to get in shape, focus more deeply, stick to better routines, or take control of your finances. You’ve read the books, listened to the podcasts, written the plans. You’ve told yourself, this time is different, but somehow, it never is. You start strong for a few days or a few weeks, but then life gets in the way, old habits pull you back in, and before you know it, you're right back where you started.

The worst part is that you’re fully aware it’s happening, and yet, in the moment, it feels like you can’t stop it.

And with every failed attempt, you start to lose a little more faith in yourself.

The truth is, most people don’t struggle because they lack the desire to change — they struggle because they don’t understand the hidden resistance beneath the surface.

Whether it’s improving your health, levelling up in your career, showing up more fully in your relationships, getting a grip on your finances, or simply becoming a more focused and present version of yourself, the desire for change is there — and it’s real.

But turning that desire into consistent action? That’s where things fall apart. Not because you’re lazy or undisciplined, but because change requires more than just a goal and good intentions.

It requires understanding what you’re up against internally:

• Your inner narrative: the stories you've told yourself for years

• The emotional weight of failure: how past attempts quietly shape your confidence

• Conditioning and learned behaviour: the pull of patterns that feel safe

• The comfort of the familiar: even when it’s actively hurting you

• The identity-level fear of change: who you'll lose if you truly transform

• The overwhelm of starting: when change feels too big to manage

I’ve seen this in my own life and in the lives of people I’ve worked with. Smart, driven people who want more, but still feel stuck in patterns they can’t seem to shake.

Today, I’ll show you why change feels so hard — and more importantly, how to make it easier.

Because when you understand what’s really stopping you, you give yourself the power to move forward: deliberately, consistently, and with far less friction.

Let’s dive in.

The Change Gap: Between Intention and Action

I told myself I was going to start a writing habit. And I meant it.

I wanted to share the lessons I’d learned, document my journey more openly, and use writing as a tool to sharpen my thinking. I planned to write every morning, blocked time in my calendar, and felt genuinely excited to begin. But for almost a year, I kept finding reasons to delay: work took over, emails felt urgent, and somehow, the window always closed before I started.

It wasn’t until six weeks ago that I finally got consistent. And the truth is, it wasn’t just about time.

There was a deeper resistance I didn’t want to look at. Am I a writer? What if I have nothing valuable to say? That quiet doubt shaped my behaviour more than any to-do list or schedule ever could. And the more I put it off, the more it felt like proof that maybe I wasn’t ready to start sharing my thoughts with the world.

That’s the gap so many people live in — between knowing what to do and actually doing it.

You want to get in great shape, to train consistently, eat well, and finally feel good in your body again. But you keep skipping workouts and letting your diet fall off.

You want to focus deeply on your work or side project, to make real progress, build something meaningful, and finally feel in control of your time. But instead, you find yourself reaching for your phone, or chasing distractions that leave you feeling drained.

You want to build a better future, to invest in yourself, create more stability, and feel like you're actually moving forward. But you keep putting it off, telling yourself now’s just not the right time.

This isn’t a lack of motivation. It's the natural resistance that shows up any time you try to step outside of who you’ve been.

The brain is drawn to what’s familiar, even when it’s working against you, because familiar feels safe. That's why I kept choosing the comfort of busywork over the vulnerability of writing something real. And if you’ve been stuck in this cycle long enough, it stops feeling like a behaviour problem — and starts feeling like a personal flaw.

But this gap doesn’t mean you can't change. It just means something deeper is holding you back.

Why Change Feels So Hard: The Hidden Forces at Play

Change isn’t just about doing something new. It’s about letting go of who you’ve been.

And that’s where most people get stuck — not because they don’t want to change, but because they don’t understand what they’re up against internally. You're not just fighting bad habits. You’re fighting your identity, your beliefs, your conditioning, and a nervous system wired to avoid discomfort.

The resistance you feel isn’t random or irrational. It’s protective. It’s familiar. It’s subconscious. If you want to create real change, you have to understand what’s happening beneath the surface and how to overcome it.

These are the ones I see most often, both in myself, and in the people I work with.

1. The Stories You Tell Yourself

“I’ve always been like this.”

“I’m just not disciplined.”

“That won’t work for me”

These aren’t truths. They’re scripts from your past that have become invisible rules.

They sound like facts, but they’re just old beliefs you’ve repeated so many times, they now feel like your identity. And the more tightly you cling to them, the harder it becomes to act in ways that contradict who you think you are.

For years, I told myself I wasn’t good with money.

I didn’t grow up learning how to save, invest, or budget, and for a long time, I used that as a quiet excuse to avoid facing it. Even when I started earning a lot through poker, I kept finding ways to lose it — impulsive spending, unexpected bills, bad deals. Looking back, I can see how my beliefs created a ceiling I couldn’t break through. No matter how much I made, I’d always end up with not much to show for it.

The problem wasn’t just financial. It was mental.

I was living out a story I didn’t even know I was telling myself. And as long as I believed it, I kept proving it true. That’s the power these hidden stories have: they shape what you do, how far you go, and whether you ever really let yourself change.

2. The Scars of Past Failure

Failure doesn’t just leave a mark. It leaves a memory.

You might move on logically, but emotionally, your body remembers what it felt like to try and fall short. The shame, the frustration, the disappointment — they don’t just disappear. They sit quietly beneath the surface, ready to resurface the moment you consider trying again.

There’s a specific kind of hesitation that comes after you’ve failed a few too many times. You still set the goals, still tell yourself you’re going to follow through — but deep down, a part of you is already waiting for it to fail.

You've broken the promises to yourself so many times, you’ve stopped trusting that this time will be any different. So you hold back. You don’t go all in. You leave a little room to quit early, just in case. And eventually, it starts to feel logical to lower your expectations.

After all, the evidence you’ve collected points to one conclusion: it probably won’t work.

3. The Pull of Familiar Patterns

Your habits might be hurting you - but they’re predictable, and predictability feels safe.

You scroll when you’re supposed to be working. You stay up late even when you promised yourself an early night. You drift through the same routines you swore you were done with. It’s not because you don’t care. It's because those patterns are safe. They’re predictable. They’re familiar.

And in a strange way, they’ve become part of who you are.

I used to start each Monday with the best of intentions — journal open, to-do list prepped, plan locked in. And then somehow, by 10 a.m., I’d already be balls-deep in busywork and responding to messages. Not because that was the plan, but because it was the pattern. It didn’t even feel like a choice, more like muscle memory.

That’s the thing about familiar habits: they don’t need your permission. They run on autopilot. They were built to protect you: to keep things manageable when life felt uncertain or overwhelming.

But eventually, the thing that once helped you cope becomes the very thing holding you back.

And unless you learn to interrupt the pattern, it will keep running the show.

4. The Fear of What You’ll Lose

Change doesn’t just create something new — it often asks you to let something go.

That’s the part no one really warns you about. Becoming someone new often means leaving behind parts of the old you — even the ones that used to feel like home. And that kind of loss can mess with your head.

I remember when I started taking my work more seriously. I wanted more structure, more focus, more purpose. But part of me resisted — not because I didn’t want to grow, but because I was scared of what I’d lose. The version of me that was always spontaneous, always up for anything — where would he go? Would I still feel like me without him?

Sometimes it’s the habits that helped you cope. Sometimes it’s the people who expect you to stay the same. Sometimes it’s the role you’ve played for years — the overachiever, the underdog, the carefree one.

Even when those things no longer serve you, letting go of them can feel like letting go of who you are.

So you stay in the middle: stuck between the person you want to become and the identity you’re afraid to outgrow.

Not because the future isn’t exciting, but because the past still feels safe.

5. The Weight of Overwhelm

When the change feels too big, your mind shuts down before you even start.

Sometimes the change just feels impossible. You look at where you are and where you want to be. And the distance between them feels like a mountain you don’t have the energy to climb. You don’t know where to start, how to stay consistent, or what to do when things inevitably go wrong. So instead of taking the first step, you do nothing.

I’ve had weeks where I sat down, opened my laptop, looked at everything I said I’d do, and closed it again within five minutes. Not because I didn’t care, but because it all felt like too much. Too many tabs open in my mind. Too many unfinished pieces. Too many decisions to make before I could even being. So I put it off. Told myself I’d start when I had more time. But the more I waited, the heavier it got. And the less I believed I could actually turn it around.

This is where most people stall. Not because they don’t care, but because they’re trying to do too much, too fast, with too little clarity.

And when there’s no clear path forward, your nervous system does what it’s designed to do: protect you from the unknown.

These are the invisible forces that make change feel so hard. Not because you’re weak, but because you’re human. You're not just fighting habits. You’re navigating beliefs, emotions, and patterns that have been built over a lifetime.

And the truth is, most people try to force change from the surface without ever looking at what’s happening underneath.

But once you understand what you’re really up against, something shifts. You stop blaming yourself. You stop expecting it to be easy. And you start building change in a way that actually works.

So now that we’ve named the resistance, let’s talk about how to overcome it. Not with more pressure. Not with bigger goals. But with something far more effective: a grounded, realistic approach that actually sticks.

Making Change Easier

So how do you move from knowing all this to actually doing something about it?

The solution isn’t more forceful effort. It's not about setting bigger goals or forcing more discipline. It's about building change from the inside out: with a mindset, identity, and approach that actually supports you. Because once you stop fighting yourself, progress becomes a lot more possible.

Here’s how to make change easier and stick with it long enough for it to become who you are.

1. Start with who you want to become

Change becomes a lot easier when it’s rooted in identity.

Instead of obsessing over what you need to do, start by asking who you want to be. Do you want to be someone who trains consistently? Someone who writes, creates, connects, leads? When you’re clear on the kind of person you’re becoming, your actions shift from pressure to alignment.

You’re no longer just trying to change a habit. You’re embodying a new version of yourself. This is the difference between saying “I want to run three times a week” and “I’m someone who values their health.” Or even more powerful, "I'm a runner".

The action might look the same, but the mindset behind it changes everything.

One is a routine.

One is a value.

One is who you are.

2. Challenge the story, not just the habit

Most people try to change their behaviour without questioning the beliefs driving it. They focus on what to do differently, but never stop to ask why they keep falling into the same patterns.

But if you don’t challenge the story behind the habit, it will eventually pull you back in. Because your actions are always in sync with the story you’re living by.

If deep down you still believe you’re someone who always burns out, or someone who never follows through, then no matter how good your plan is, part of you will keep proving that story right. This is why surface-level change doesn’t last. You might change the habit for a while, but the story brings you right back.

So start noticing the language you use. Pay attention to the assumptions you carry.

Ask yourself, “Is this story still true?”

“What might be possible if I let it go?”

Real change isn’t just about doing something new. It's about no longer believing the old story that kept you stuck.

3. Make it small, make it now

Big changes tend to break when they rely on willpower.

The larger and more perfect the plan, the easier it is to overthink, delay, or avoid altogether. The key to building real momentum is shrinking the starting point until it feels too small to fail. Because the hardest part isn’t doing the thing — it’s starting it.

I’ve had days where I couldn’t bring myself to “write.” But I could open a document and start typing. And once I did that, the next step didn’t feel so hard.

So start small.

• Write one sentence.

• Put your workout clothes on.

• Set a 10-minute timer and do the task you’ve been avoiding.

You don’t need to do it all. You just need to begin.

This is how you shift from thinking to action. And action is what creates evidence that change is possible.

4. Plan for the dip

Change doesn’t fail because you’re not capable.

It fails because you weren’t ready for the moment motivation disappears. And it always disappears. There will be days when you feel tired, distracted, uninspired. There will be setbacks. Unexpected stress. Old habits creeping in.

That’s not a sign to give up, it’s a sign to lean on your system.

I’ve learned to expect the dip. I used to go out with friends, then try to force productivity the next day — only to do a shitty job and feel like I was falling behind. Now, I don’t panic. I’ve built a 24-hour buffer into my system. I don’t drink often, but when I do, I give myself a full day to switch off: no pressure, no guilt.

And the next morning, I’m up at 6 a.m., back on my routine. It's not about being perfect. It's about having a plan for the moments when things get messy.

Ask yourself:

• What’s the minimum version of this habit I can do on a bad day?

• How will I reset when I inevitably fall off track?

• What will I tell myself when the old story starts to creep back in?

As James Clear says in Atomic Habits:

"You do not rise to the level of your goals. You fall to the level of your systems."

So build a system that supports you. Not just when things go well, but especially when they don’t.

5. Reinforce the new identity

Every time you show up, even in a small way, you cast a vote for the person you’re becoming. It might not feel like much in the moment — one workout, one moment of stillness, one decision to delay gratification.

But those choices compound. And over time, they become who you are.

Change sticks when you stop seeing habits as tasks and start seeing them as proof of your identity. That’s why celebrating small wins matters. Not in a cheesy or performative way, but as a conscious reminder: this is me now. This is who I am. This is what I do.

You're not just doing the habit. You’re becoming the person who lives that way.

Just like doing reps in the gym makes your body stronger, every time you act in alignment, you do a rep for your new identity — and that’s what makes it stronger.

Progress becomes sustainable when your habits are no longer a performance.

They become a reflection of who you already believe yourself to be.

You Don’t Need Fixing, You Need Rewiring

If you’ve struggled to change, it doesn’t mean you’re lazy, weak, or destined to stay stuck. It means you’ve been trying to push forward without fully understanding what’s been pulling you back.

And once you start to see those internal blocks clearly — the beliefs, the fear, the old patterns — change starts to feel a lot less like a battle and more like a process.

One rooted in self-awareness.

One grounded in identity.

One built on consistency, not intensity.

You don’t have to do it perfectly. You just have to keep showing up.

And every time you do, you reinforce a new story. A one that’s shaped by who you want to become, not who you used to be.

Change is possible.

Not by doing more.

But from aligning your actions with the kind of person you’ve decided to be.

Adam