The Dark Side of Personal Growth (Day 4)

We’re often told that personal growth is about moving forward — that if you just keep doing the work, keep showing up, that things will get better. That you’ll feel more like yourself, not less.

At least, that’s what I used to believe.

But the last few months have taught me something different. Growth doesn’t always feel like progress. Sometimes it feels like falling apart.

The Void That Follows a Breakthrough

After my silent retreat earlier this year, I came back expecting to feel calm, focused, maybe even a little enlightened. I’d just spent ten days in complete silence, going deep into my inner world — how could I not come back changed for the better?

And I did feel changed. But not in the way I expected.

There was a lot I’d let go of during the retreat — patterns, identities, the constant chasing of the next thing. But when I came back to “normal” life, it all felt… empty.

I remember sitting in my office one morning, trying to do something I’d done a hundred times before: think about the future, set some goals, plan my next move. Normally that would energise me. But this time, nothing sparked. Nothing felt exciting.

Every pursuit I thought I wanted suddenly seemed hollow — like I was just trying to keep myself busy to avoid some deeper discomfort. I felt lost. Not in a dramatic way, more in a quiet, disorienting way. Like I’d stepped out of my own life and didn’t know how to get back in.

Peeling Back the Scab

The best way I can describe it is this: it felt like I’d peeled back a scab.

The retreat had removed the protective layers I’d built up over years — habits, identities, even small distractions I didn’t know I relied on. And what was underneath was raw. Exposed. Tender.

And I think that’s why the scab was there in the first place — to cover it up. To protect me from having to feel all of that.

At first, I wanted to put it back on. I wanted to go back to being busy, productive, driven. Not because it was healthy, but because it was familiar. But once you’ve seen what’s underneath — once you’ve peeled it back — it’s not so easy to unsee it. And now, the only way forward is through.

But no one talks about how hard that part can be.

When Clarity Doesn’t Come

For a while, I didn’t try to fix it. That’s usually my instinct — to analyse the problem, make a plan, take action. But this time, I thought maybe if I just gave it space, something would shift. I’d emerge on the other side with clarity, or at least a sense of direction.

But the clarity didn’t come.

Instead, I stayed in this strange in-between. I wasn’t who I was before the retreat — the busy, productive, future-driven version of me — but I also wasn’t sure who I was becoming. I didn’t know what I wanted, what I cared about, or what direction to move in. It was like being between two selves, but not fully belonging to either.

It’s a weird, uncomfortable place to be. And if you’ve been there — or are in it now — I just want to say, I know how hard it feels.

Coming Back to Myself

What helped, eventually, was realising that I didn’t have to figure it all out. I didn’t need to rebuild myself from scratch. The old version of me wasn’t some failure I had to abandon — he had strength, discipline, values. He got me to where I am now.

And maybe I didn’t need to wait for some big insight to arrive before I could start living again.

So I stopped waiting.

I started showing up to the day again — even if I didn’t feel fully ready, or fully clear. I let myself do the familiar things: move my body, sit down to write, talk to people I care about. It wasn’t some dramatic breakthrough. But over time, it helped me feel grounded again. Like I could trust myself, even if I didn’t have all the answers.

The Truth Most People Skip Over

The dark side of personal growth is that sometimes, it breaks you open without telling you what’s next. It strips away your old patterns and leaves you with nothing but questions. And it’s easy to think you’re doing something wrong — that if you’re feeling lost or stuck, you must’ve taken a wrong turn.

But maybe that’s just part of the process.

You don’t need to rush to become someone new. You don’t need to solve the whole puzzle today. Just take the next step, however small. Keep showing up. Trust that clarity comes — not when you force it, but when you’re ready to live without needing it. The path reveals itself as you walk it.

At least that's been true for me.

Adam