The 5 Stages of Personal Growth (Through the Mind’s Illusions)

No one hands you a map for the inner journey.

Instead, we’re conditioned to follow silent rules about how to win at life:

• Be successful.

• Be liked.

• Make a lot of money.

• Have a happy family.

• Buy a big house.

And if you stack enough wins, society tells you that you’ll be happy.

So we go into the world and try to chase approval, achievement, status and security. We believe that if we work hard enough, earn enough, and do everything right…we’ll finally get to relax. We’ll finally get to feel great and live the good life. But deep down, something doesn’t feel quite right. And eventually, if you’re lucky — that feeling catches up with you.

I remember when it caught up with me. I was living in Bali, in the best shape of my life and winning life’s money game through poker. I had amazing relationships and freedom over my time. By all accounts, I was living the dream.

And yet… I felt no different than when I had nothing.

In some ways, I felt worse. Had I lost myself on the journey? I still felt like I had everything to prove. I still couldn’t relax. Still couldn't just enjoy life. One voice in my head kept pushing, “Adam, you need to do more.” But another voice was whispering, “This can’t be it.”

That whisper became the crack in the mask. And through that crack, something new began to emerge. A different kind of path. One that wasn’t about chasing more, but waking up from the chase altogether.

I call this the Inner Game.

You don’t learn about it in school. There are no medals for winning it. And most people never even know it exists. But once you’ve heard the whisper, you can’t unhear it. Over time, I’ve come to see that the inner journey unfolds in stages. They’re not linear. You don’t tick them off like milestones. But they are real.

And if you’ve ever felt the quiet ache beneath all your striving…you’re probably already on the path.

From my own experience, there are five stages to this path — five distinct shifts I’ve lived through on the journey from being completely trapped in my mind to moments of deep inner freedom. I wish someone had told me about them at the start. It wouldn’t have spared me the struggle, but it would’ve helped me understand I was on the right track.

Let me show you the path.

Stage 1: The Sleeping State

You are your thoughts, and you don’t even question them.

This is the default setting, where most of us begin. You think your mind has all the answers. You trust its voice without hesitation. Why wouldn’t you? It’s been narrating your entire life.

The problem is, you don’t question the voice in your head. You are the voice. Its opinions feel like truth. Its fears feel like fact. Your identity is made of thoughts you didn’t choose. Beliefs you inherited. Stories you’ve never examined, but that you live out every day.

You’re constantly judging yourself. Comparing, calculating, controlling. You seek pleasures. Avoid pain. If you get what you want you feel good, at least for a while. If you don't, you blame life. You might even look successful from the outside. But inside, you’re restless. Anxious. Always chasing something.

And the worst part? You don’t even know there’s another way.

At this stage, life feels normal. This is just what it means to be human…right?

You might still be in Stage 1 if…

• You’re deeply identified with the voice in your head — the constant “I” that wants, judges, plans, and fears.

• You chase pleasure and avoid pain as your default survival strategy.

• Your mood is dictated by external circumstances.

• The ego runs the show — everything is about control, image, and winning.

• Your “likes” and “dislikes” quietly drive your behaviour.

• Your life philosophy is simple: "get what I want, avoid what I don’t"

I remember being fully here. My thoughts ran the show — and I didn’t even realise there was a show. I wanted to the world to align with the story I had running in my head. Of course I needed to be successful, have financial freedom and be respected before I could be truly happy. Every dip in my mood became a problem I needed to fix. Every goal I achieved gave a brief high, then left me feeling like an addict, desperate for the next hit.

I thought I was in control. But really, I was being controlled — by my own mind.

This stage is like being asleep with your eyes open. And if this sounds like where you are, that's ok. There's nothing wrong with you, you’re just inside the illusion. Stuck inside the dream — thinking it’s reality.

The good news? Awareness is coming. And when it does, the illusion starts to crack — and something real begins to rise beneath it.

Stage 2: Start of Awakening

You notice the voice, and it changes everything.

This is the first real shift. A flicker of something new. The moment you catch the voice in your head — and for the first time, you don’t believe it. You might be walking down the street. Or journaling. Or sitting in silence, watching thoughts rise and fall. And suddenly, you hear it — that familiar narration.

“I’m not good enough.”

“This always happens to me.”

“I need to fix this right now.”

And something inside you pauses. Not because the thought is new — but because, this time, you see it as a thought. Not a truth. Not you.

This is the spark of awakening.

The illusion begins to crack.

You realise, there’s a voice… and then there’s the one who hears it. And in that gap — something real opens.

It’s subtle at first. You still get swept up in old patterns. Still spiral. Still react. But now, there’s a new player in the game: Awareness.

You start to watch the mind, not just live inside it. And in that watching, your curiosity deepens. You begin asking questions you’ve never asked before:

“Where did that belief come from?”

“Why does this emotion grip me so tightly?”

“What happens if I don’t obey every thought that arises?”

This is when the inner game truly begins.

You know you’re in Stage 2 when…

• You notice thoughts arise — and start to watch them without reacting to them.

• You start questioning old beliefs, stories, and emotional reactions.

• You catch yourself thinking, “I’m conscious in here, and I see my thoughts and emotions.

• You experience brief moments of stillness or separation from the mind.

• You begin journaling, meditating, or reflecting more deeply.

• You realise: “I’m not the mind — I’m the awareness that’s watching it all.”

I remember when this shift first happened for me. It wasn’t dramatic, more like something quietly clicking into place. I was reading The Untethered Soul, and a line stopped me cold:

“You are not the voice in your head — you are the one who hears it.”

That line followed me. Into conversations. Into workouts. Into moments of stress. I couldn’t unsee it. The more I paid attention, the more I realised: I’d spent years trapped inside my own thoughts, and now, I could watch them from a distance. I still got caught up in strong thought patterns. I still believed them sometimes. But now I knew there was something deeper than thought. And I wanted to explore this more.

Stage 2 is disorienting. It's not clean or easy. But it’s the beginning of freedom.

And once you’ve seen even a glimpse of truth, you can’t go back to sleep.

Stage 3: Learning to Let Go

You begin to see that resisting and clinging are the cause of all your problems.

This is the hard stage. The one nobody warns you about.

You expected the inner journey to keep feeling like Stage 2 — light, expansive, full of insights. But now the insights are gone. And in their place is everything you’ve been avoiding. Old thoughts and insecurities come to the surface. Buried emotions of shame, fear, and guilt come flooding without a warning.The nervous system flares. Your body tightens. Your mind panics.

And a big part of you wants to run.

• Back to distraction.

• Back to old comforts.

• Back to the loop you were starting to outgrow — because at least it was familiar.

Letting go sounds great in theory. In reality, it feels like death. Because to truly let go, you have to release the things you’ve built your identity around — your preferences, your beliefs, your “likes” and “dislikes.”

And when those start to fall away…the ego feels like it’s dying.

But this is also where something deeper begins. Letting go doesn’t mean giving up. It means giving space. You begin to see that awareness alone isn’t enough — now it becomes a practice. Moment by moment, you watch the storm rise in your mind and you choose not to fight it. Not to chase it. Not to fix it.

You observe the thought. You feel the emotion. You let the preference or trigger arise — and you let it pass through you.

And slowly, something becomes clear:

The real cause of your suffering isn’t the moment itself — it’s the endless attempt to give the mind what it wants.

It’s the constant effort to rearrange reality, to get what you like and avoid what you don't. It's not the moment that hurts, it’s your resistance to it.

And as you practice letting go, you start to experience brief moments of peace. Small gaps. Tiny releases. A calm breath where once there was only tension. Life becomes your teacher. Each trigger, frustration, or disappointment shows you where you’re still holding on. And now, instead of running — you’re staying with them.

You're still battling old thought patterns and belief systems, but you’re no longer at war with them.

You know you’re in Stage 3 when…

• You’re becoming aware of emotional patterns — and learning to sit with them instead of running.

• You’re practicing observing thoughts, emotions, and preferences — and letting them pass without reacting.

• You begin to see that clinging to pleasure, identity, or certainty creates suffering.

• You catch yourself wanting to escape — but choose to stay.

• You experience small moments of calm, clarity, and inner space.

• You stop asking, “How do I get rid of this?” and start asking “Can I allow this to be here?”

I'd been in the stage of letting go for some time, but it only really came alive during my Vipassana retreat.

By Day 6, the mental noise had given way to something deeper — and darker. Unfelt sadness, shame, and childhood pain came flooding to the surface. There was no escaping it. No distraction. Just me, my mind, and a body full of things I hadn’t wanted to feel. I wanted to run. But I had nowhere to go. So I stayed.

I sat with the pain. I watched it. Not to get rid of it, but to understand it.

And then came one of the most intense sits of my life. My legs were throbbing, sharp bolts shot up my back, and I found myself clenching every muscle in my body just to hold on, not knowing whether to laugh or cry. I decided to focus entirely on the pain, to dive into it with everything I had, the intensity built and built, like twisting a knife deep into my spine, until suddenly — it burst open. And in that explosion, something shifted. The pain was still there…but now I was experiencing it as just sensation. It felt like vibrations of energy, like waves that would rise and then fade away.

I was no longer in pain —I was observing pain.

And the more I observed, the more I realised that most of the pain was being caused by trying to resist it. By the end of that intense sitting, I felt a deep sense of relief. I was smiling as I knew the struggle was over. Not because the pain disappeared — but because I stopped needing it to.

That’s what letting go really is. Not fixing. Not overcoming. Just no longer clinging or resisting.

This stage is raw. It's humbling. But it’s also where you begin to reclaim your power.

Because once you learn to sit with the thing you’ve always avoided, it no longer has and control over you.

You begin to see: I don’t need to fix the moment, I just need to stop resisting it.

And that changes everything.

Stage 4: Taking Full Responsibility for Your Inner World

You stop blaming, and start using everything to free yourself.

This is the stage where everything shifts direction. Not because life gets easier — but because you stop trying to make it easier. You’ve already faced the pain. You've seen that resisting and clinging is causing all your problems. And now, something deeper begins to rise: Responsibility.

Not the kind you were taught as a kid. Not blame. Not shame. But radical ownership of your inner world.

You start to see it clearly: Nothing out there is causing your suffering.

It's not what someone said. It's not what happened. It's how your mind responds to it, and how tightly you hold on.

Every challenge, discomfort or painful experience now becomes a huge opportunity. Instead of asking “Why is this happening to me?” you start asking “What is this here to teach me?”

And the moment you do, you’re no longer a victim of life. You become a student of it.

This is where emotional maturity takes root. You begin to practice letting everything pass through — without resisting, without fighting, without pushing away. You don’t always succeed. But you catch yourself more quickly. And when you fall short, you learn. Because that’s the whole point.

You stop trying to control reality. And start learning how to be okay with it.

You know you’re in Stage 4 when…

• You stop blaming people or circumstances for your inner state.

• You recognise that your reactions — not the events — are what cause suffering.

• You meet discomfort with presence, not avoidance.

• You start using every moment to free yourself, not protect yourself.

• You feel a growing sense of humility and trust that life has your back.

• You shift from “How do I get what I want?” to “How do I use what’s here to wake up?”

For me, this has been the most freeing stage. But also one of the most challenging.

Learning to trust in life instead of trusting your mind is a big jump. I still have some stories running in my mind that are hard to let go of. My mind still tells me that I need certain external conditions in order to be happy, to feel secure and to be enough. I have a hard time 100% trusting that life will work out fine if I didn't worry about things. My mind tells me that I risk losing everything I've worked hard for if I relax my grip.

Yet on a deeper level, I know this is just noise. I know that there is nothing to worry about and that I have everything I need to be happy right now. What ever life throws at me, is for my benefit, whether I can see it or not.

As I'm leaning into this more and more, I'm becoming more present and in touch with the moment. I'm less in the future, less in the past and less in my problems. My mind still tries to drag me there from time to time, but now I can see through it. The mind is like a child, always demanding attention, always wanting a toy to play with. It thinks it can control life and create the conditions that will make me happy.

Thankfully, I now know that listening to my mind will never lead to long term happiness. I followed it's advice long enough to know it doesn't lead to anywhere I want to be.

Stage 5: Staying Open and Living in the Flow

You stop closing, and let life guide you.

I have to admit, this isn’t a stage I live in. Michael Singer has a book called Living Untethered: Beyond the Human Predicament. I can't say I'm beyond the human predicament just yet, but I've tasted what it must feel like. I've had brief moments. Quiet glimpses. Enough to know it’s real, and enough to know I’m not there yet.

After the struggle of letting go, after the discipline of responsibility, something begins to soften. You no longer need to win the moment. You no longer need life to match your preferences. You just… let it be.

Sometimes it comes when I least expect it. I’ll be walking, or sitting in stillness, and something inside me just…drops. No striving. No analysing. No inner negotiation. Just presence.

In those moments, I don’t feel the need to close. Even if something uncomfortable arises — a thought, a feeling, a bit of uncertainty — I can let it pass through without tightening around it. It doesn’t last long. But when it’s there, everything softens. My breath deepens. Gratitude appears, not because anything happened, but just because I’m here. The mind isn’t racing to fix anything. There’s nothing to prove. Nowhere to get to.

It’s like life is moving, and I’m not in the way.

Now I don't live my life like this in every moment. Not yet. I still have work to do.

There are parts of my identity I’m still holding onto. I still feel some of my self-worth wrapped up in being smart, being successful, being strong. I still get pulled by old patterns — chasing validation, avoiding discomfort, seeking control. And I still feel the tug of short-term pleasures that promise ease, but rarely bring peace.

The difference now is, I can see it. I can feel the closing when it happens. And sometimes, I can pause and choose to stay open. Not because I’ve mastered it. But because I’ve seen what’s possible. And I want to keep moving toward that.

You might be entering Stage 5 when…

• You notice yourself staying open in moments that used to make you contract.

• You feel a quiet joy that isn’t tied to anything going right.

• You let go of needing every moment to feel good — and learn to rest in what is.

• You respond instead of react.

• You feel more drawn to giving, connecting, and serving than proving.

• You trust that life is unfolding exactly as it needs to.

Michael Singer put it beautifully: “There’s nothing to hold. There’s nothing to push away. There’s just life unfolding.”

This is what I imagine real freedom feels like. Not freedom to do whatever I want. Freedom from the constant need to resist, to prove, to control. And maybe that’s all this inner game is really pointing to. Not perfection. Not enlightenment.

Just the ability to stay open —when everything in you wants to close.

Exactly Where You Need to Be

Wherever you are right now, that’s exactly where you need to be.

Whether you feel lost in your thoughts, whether you’ve just had your first glimpse of awareness, whether you’re sitting with old pain, trying to take ownership of your inner world, or learning to stay open for just one more breath — this is it.

This is the path.

There’s nowhere else to rush to. This isn’t another game to win. It's not a race.

Through awareness, you’ll start to drop what no longer serves you. Not because you forced it, but because you finally see it clearly. And in that clarity, you’ll begin to come into contact with something deeper. Call it your true self. Call it life unfiltered. It doesn’t matter. What matters is that it’s real. And it’s already here.

The mind will try to turn this into a goal. It will whisper, “How do I get there? How long will it take?”

Don’t fall for it. That’s just more seeking.

There’s nothing to get to. Nothing to fix. Nothing to become.

And if I could leave with one reminder — not as a lesson, but as a way to live — it would be this:

“This is the real secret of life — to be completely engaged with what you are doing in the here and now. And instead of calling it work, realise it is play.”

— Alan Watts

This is what I want to remember. That life is to be enjoyed, moment by moment. That there is no problem to solve. No place to arrive.

All that is being asked of you is to be fully absorbed in the moment you’re in.

And that's enough.

I wrote this for myself as much as for you.

Because I still forget. And when I do, I want to find my way back here.

Adam