I Feel Lost (And I Don’t Know What Comes Next)

I’ve posted a lot of videos over the past eight years.

But I’ve never shared one like this.

I felt a surprising amount of resistance to recording it, and even more resistance to uploading it. I’ve never allowed myself to be this vulnerable publicly before.

Yet for the stage I’m at right now, it felt necessary.

I’m moving through a darker chapter of my life, a one that has arrived at the time I least expected. I don’t yet have clarity or conclusions, but I want to share what I can as I navigate my way through it.

Watch the video here

What follows is the written version of that reflection.

I’ve been feeling lost lately.

Not just for a few days, but for months.

A quiet but persistent sense that something is off. A lack of purpose. A lack of meaning. A feeling I can’t quite shake when I ask myself the bigger questions:

What actually matters?

What should I be doing with my time?

What is all of this for?

From the outside, it probably looks like I’m fine. Maybe even better than fine. I have freedom. Time. Resources. A great relationship. And I live in a place I once dreamed about. On paper, I have everything you’d need to feel content with life.

But internally, that sense of connection just isn’t there.

And that’s a strange place to be.

The busy life vs the meaningful life

When I look around, it feels like most people are either:

• Keeping themselves busy

• Distracting themselves

• Or performing

Everyone looks like they’ve got it figured out. Careers. Achievements. Happy lives on display. But beneath the surface, I don’t think that’s the real story.

I think a lot of people are quietly struggling with the same questions I am — we just don’t talk about them.

Questions like:

• What are we actually doing with our lives?

• What deserves our limited time and energy?

• How do we align our lives with something that feels meaningful and we're connected to?

We talk endlessly about jobs, income, productivity, self-improvement.

Yet we talk far less about something much deeper: finding meaning.

My pattern: clear paths and clear outcomes

If I’m honest, I’ve always been good at building paths.

As a runner, the path was simple: train hard → hit target times → compete in championships.

At university, the path was: study → pass exams → graduate.

As a poker player, it became a game of levels: beat the level → move up stakes → make more money.

Then coaching followed the same logic: create content → attract clients → get rewarded for results.

Each phase had structure, direction and clear outcomes.

But each one was also, in its own way, transactional.

Do X to get Y.

And now I’m at a point where that framework no longer works.

When the old tricks stop working

In the past, whenever I felt uncomfortable, I’d set a new goal:

• A financial target

• An achievement

• A version of myself to become

I’d convince myself that arriving there would finally make me feel whole.

But now I know better.

I know there’s nowhere to arrive. I know any goal I hit just sends me back here again, looking for the next one.

So if I’m not careful, all I’m really doing is staying busy to avoid something deeper.

And if I had to describe what the root cause likely is, it would be this:

A lack of feeling enough in the present moment.

The subtle trap of self-improvement

This one’s uncomfortable to admit.

I can use personal growth, training, learning, discipline — even spirituality — as a way to avoid sitting with myself as I am.

“I’ll feel worthy once I improve.”

“I’ll feel at peace once I become more.”

But that’s just another escape route.

And right now, life seems to be asking something different of me.

If there is a path forward, I don’t think it starts with a new project or a grand plan.

It probably starts here:

Learning how to feel okay in myself as I am.

Without achievements, without validation, without a future version of me to hide behind.

Connection to myself first.

Contribution second.

From that place, maybe something more honest can emerge. A path that feels aligned rather than performed.

I still feel a deep drive to contribute. To share and to inspire in my own way. I just haven’t found the right vehicle yet.

So for now, I’m in between.

Between identities.

Between what was and what’s next.

It feels like I've stepped off one path, but the new path isn't visible yet.

So I'm left fumbling around in the dark trying to make sense of things.

Why I’m sharing this

I didn’t write this piece to offer conclusions. I don’t have any.

I’m sharing it because I want this space — this newsletter, this channel — to be real.

Some days I feel clear and inspired.

Some periods feel heavy, confusing, and uncomfortable.

We don’t see much of that online. Mostly we see performances and everyones highlight reels.

I'm guilty of this myself.

But below the surface, almost everyone is working something out.

So if you’re also in a phase of questioning — of feeling disconnected, unmotivated, or unsure what actually matters — you’re not broken.

You’re not alone.

And even if these feel like “unrelatable problems,” a lack of meaning is no small thing. You can distract yourself from it, but it doesn’t disappear.

It keeps asking: Why?

That’s where I’m at right now.

I will share more insights as they arrive.

— Adam