How To Change Your Identity - For Good (Day 12)

It sounds exciting, almost empowering.

You decide you’re going to change your identity.

To become the 2.0 version of yourself.

To finally step into the habits, routines, and ways of thinking that the old you couldn’t maintain.

Sometimes this decision does spark immediate change. You hit a breaking point, and everything shifts.

But more often, it doesn’t work like that.

Instead of a clean break from the old you, what unfolds is something much messier — a long, uncomfortable transition between who you were and who you want to become.

Let’s talk about that transition — and why it trips so many people up.

Identity Is a Role You Play, Not Who You Are

We like to think of identity as something we are, but it's more accurate to say it’s something we do.

Your identity is a role you’ve practiced so consistently that it feels like you.

Your habits, routines, emotional patterns, even your inner self-talk — all of it combines to form a character. One you’ve gotten really good at playing.

So when you say, “I want to change,” what you’re really saying is:

“I want to learn a new role”

“One I’m not yet good at”

“One that doesn’t feel like me — yet”

And yet we beat ourselves up when we aren’t able to this in one go.

Why the Old Self Always Pulls You Back

Picture this like two characters inside you.

The old self — strong, automatic, deeply conditioned.

The new self — unfamiliar, effortful, and barely formed.

The old self is the path of least resistance. It requires no thought. It runs on autopilot.

The new self, on the other hand, demands conscious energy. You have to think about what to do. You have to push yourself. And because it’s unfamiliar, it often feels fake or forced.

When motivation is high, you can choose the new self. You wake up early. You eat clean. You show up.

But when energy drops? When life gets stressful or your mood dips?

The old self comes rushing back.

Not because you’ve failed— but because the old self is stronger.

And it doesn’t want to lose.

Change Is Meant to Feel Uncomfortable

Change isn’t just a mindset shift.

It’s a physiological and psychological process.

Your body resists unfamiliar routines.

Your nervous system interprets new behaviours as unsafe.

Your mind throws up thoughts like:

• “This isn’t working.”

• “You’re faking it.”

• “You’ve always failed at this before.”

Even if the old self made you unhappy, it still felt safe. It was predictable. And the body craves safety more than progress.

So when you try to become someone new, expect resistance. Not as a sign you’re failing, but as a sign you’re in the river of change.

The Familiar Cycle

Here’s how this usually plays out:

You decide that you want to change, to become a new version of you. You read the self help books and you get yourself motivated to really change this time. You decide on who you want to be: the habits, the routines, the ways of showing up and you are excited for it.

Over the coming days, motivation is high and you are able to make the changes you wanted to.

You think this is going to be it, the new you that can achieve all of your goals.

Then you hit a dip.

As the days and weeks go by, your motivation starts to waver and you notice old patterns creeping back in. You skip a few workouts. You snooze your 5am alarm. You binge on the weekend.

Suddenly, you feel like you’re back to square one.

And worst of all — you’re not sure why.

Sound familiar?

Let’s break down what’s really going on here.

The Pull of the Old Self

You can think of the old self and the new self as two different characters.

Both you — and yet both not you.

The old self is automatic. His habits and routines are built in. He functions without needing your attention.

The new self is unfamiliar. His patterns take conscious effort. They don’t quite feel like you yet.

So every day becomes a moment-to-moment battle.

When you’re rested, motivated, and focused, you can choose the new self.

But when energy dips, the old self starts pulling you back — hard.

And the old self isn’t passive. He’s fighting to stay alive.

He’ll whisper comforting rationalisations:

• “You’re pushing too hard."

• “It’s fine to take it easy today.”

• “You’ll start again next week.”

Or he’ll go for guilt:

• “You always mess this up.”

• “You’re just not disciplined.”

• “You never change.”

Why does he do this?

Because to the old self, change means death.

And he won’t die quietly.

So you end up stuck — tired, discouraged, and confused.

You want to change… but it feels like the old you keeps winning.

Here’s what you need to know:

He’s barely done a few reps in the gym. Meanwhile, the old self has been training for years. Rather than give up, you need to recommit — again and again.

Each moment you show up as the new self is a rep that makes him stronger.

You're Not Failing, You’re Training

This is the part most people miss.

Falling back into old patterns doesn’t mean you’re broken — it means you’re human. It means your old identity is still stronger, at least for now.

You’re in the middle of a battle between the old self and the new self — and the old self just won a round.

That doesn’t mean the war is lost.

Identity isn't changed with one decision, it's changed by showing up time and again.

You don’t lose just because you slipped up. You lose when you let the old self use that slip to pull you into guilt and shame.

Instead, use it as fuel. Build awareness. Recommit. Train the new self one more time.

It’s not about being perfect. It's about outlasting the old you — one rep at a time.

And if you stay committed, the new self will eventually match and surpass the strength of the old self.

When that happens, there’s no going back.

Train the New Identity Like a Muscle

I’ll share a metaphor that helped me a lot.

As a kid, my dad was always stronger than me. We’d play games where I’d try to knock him over, and he’d throw me onto the sofa every time. I had no chance.

As I got older and started hitting the gym, things changed. Eventually, one day, I came home, and I was the one who threw him onto the sofa.

Years of effort had paid off. The roles had reversed. There was no going back.

That’s how identity change works.

At first, the old self swats you away like a fly. But each time you act as the new self — each time you show up differently — you gain strength.

And eventually, the new self takes over.

Not with effort — but automatically.

It becomes who you are.

Keep Showing Up

If you’re stuck in between who you were and who you want to become — that’s okay. That’s exactly where the work happens.

You are still going through your character strengthening period, putting in reps where you can and getting used to the role.

It still requires a lot of effort and some days you don't have the energy for it.

Accept that for what it is.

It’s not about being perfect. It's about choosing the new self one more time than you choose the old one.

And when you fall back, don’t let the old self use guilt and shame to manipulate you.

Recognise the game. Recommit. Keep going.

Commit to the long term path and over time you will succeed.

Not in one clean swoop, but in a gradual and long lasting becoming.

At some point the new self will feel like you, and the old self will feel like who you used to be.

At this point the work is done, and the new identity can function without your conscious effort.

The old self may still show itself and win the odd round here and there.

But you won't be worried, you will know the new self is much stronger and can overpower the old self anytime it wants.

Until then, your job is simple:

Put in the reps.

One moment at a time.

Adam